To be Honest, I'm Lost

Some preface: I had accepted Christ before I came to college, but college was where I actually started having a relationship with Christ. Actually treating him as a God who's personal and cares about me, David -- a God who specifically loves me.

This realization clicked in my mind. Instead of praying, "Thanks for dying for our sins," I prayed, "Thanks for dying for MY sins, all the times I'VE failed."

So back to the heart of this post: Ever since college I've been searching for a daily regimen. Should I pray when I wake up? Should I read the Bible at night? What's right?

I've tried a lot of things. The only thing that really stuck was writing in a prayer journal every night. I read the Bible before going to bed, but couldn't recollect anything I read the night before. It didn't stick. Why was I reading the Bible? Was it because I wanted to learn God's Word or was I doing it because I knew I should?

After Steve Halstead talked at the Well last week, I've been struggling with this issue. His talk made me analyze how I pray. This lead me to analyze everything else I did throughout my day. I found my morning devotional was meaningless, my Bible reading was done out of duty.

I learn a lot in Bible study. That's nice but what about after? The next day, the next week? After study, I have a nice sheet with notes on it, but what do I do with it? Should I keep it? Study it? What the heck am I supposed to do?

I made an effort to pray more. That's helped and has been a sure way to get closer to God. I know that's a must. As a person, I like structure. I need to find a routine that's meaningful. Or maybe God wants me to stop relying on the things I do and actually start focusing on our relationship. I think that's it. That sounded like God talking and not me.

This whole experience has been discouraging and knowing that I'm such a newbie at having a relationship with God doesn't help much. But I know that God is with me through it all and he has a plan. I think it's helped me realize how lost I am without him guiding me.

God, give me whatever I need right now. Show me whatever you need to show me. Teach me whatever I need to know. Be my teacher, friend, counselor, father...be my everything, Lord. Amen.

Out of This World

A few days ago, I was eating breakfast in the Caf. It was pretty empty so the radio could be clearly heard. These are the lyrics of one of the songs:

You're my obsession
You're my obsession
What do you want me to do
To make you sleep with me?

That's verbatim. No joke. I was dumbstruck at how blatant and un-hidden the suggestive lyrics were. I chuckled to myself and thought, "Oh, world. You're too much." I looked around at everyone else eating. No one else was experiencing my disgust or awe. Why?

I remembered a verse my sister mentioned once. Philippians 3:17-25.

"For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body."

I'm a citizen of heaven. That's so cool. No wonder I recognize the morally askew world and see its brokenness. No wonder I see others wasting away their lives and know they're lost, only living for what the world has to offer. No wonder I feel out of place when I hear such worldy lyrics.

Thanks, God, for changing my heart.

Simple But True

Today I noticed something.

I have friends here at Bucknell...duh. BUT -- they care about me and what's happening in my life. That really makes me feel loved.

Almost everyone I encounter has asked about the latest news on my possible room switch. Unfortunately, I have no news, but you the fact that they're asking is thoughtful and nice.

So if anyone's wondering how to love a friend - care for them by caring about them. That's all it takes.

Thanks for college, God. I can't put into words how much you've cared for me here, just by being who you are and for placing these amazing people in my life.